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In
memory of
Bernice Barney-Laraby
06.21.1924 - 12.16.1961
Momma, you would be 80
years old this year…but you will
always be 37 in my eyes! Even
though I had only 5 years with
you, I sit here reminiscing of
so many wonderful memories.
You’ve been gone for more than
42 years…I wish I had 42 more
years of memories with you. But
I really do, don’t I? For you’re
always with me. I feel it in my
heart every day! I don’t need
validation to realize that…it’s
just something that I know.
I don’t often get to see real
bluebirds in my life. In fact, I
can only recall ever seeing one!
If I could ever live out in the
country, that would be my number
one reason for wanting to! But I
have bluebirds around me
everywhere - even if they are made
of ceramic or glass or just
beautiful pictures. They remind
me of your constant presence in
my life.
I remember a beautiful slender
auburn-haired woman who never
wore anything but a dress. Your
apron pocket always had a linen
hanky with a rosary tied in it.
When your health allowed, you
didn’t miss a Monday night
Novena and the two men you
admired most were Pope John and
John F. Kennedy. I can still see their
pictures hung together on the
living room wall.
I remember being home alone with
you during your final months
while the other kids were in
school. I treasured those alone
times! I know you didn’t love me
any more or less than the
others, but I felt so special
then! I would help you with
chores and for a reward I might
get special homemade potato
chips served on a tray in the
living room.
We didn’t have much money, but
you always made sure we were
clean and our hair was
braided…and I can verify that
when you put braids in our hair
in the morning, they didn’t come
out during the day! Our clothes
were washed in the old wringer
washer and we had to share bath
water…but we knew we were loved!
We were all made to feel we were
special in little ways. For
instance, all the dinner plates
were white except for one…the
one with the flowers on it. It
was always placed at the back
seat of the table. We rotated
turns so that we all got the
“special plate.”
We didn’t have a luxurious
assortment of toys, but we knew
how to have fun and entertain
ourselves just the same. It
would light up our hearts to see
the smile on your face, Momma,
when we made mud pies for you in
the spring or showed you our
dream house that was made out of
rows of leaves in the fall. We
even tried to dig a hole to
China in the backyard!
At Christmas we would always
bring out what I remember as
being a very, very long box of
Christmas ornaments. How I wish
I had one of those simple
ornaments to put on my tree
today! And on Christmas Eve when
family would visit and we were
sent to bed, I remember sitting
on the floor at the heating
grate and singing Christmas
carols and not wanting to go to
bed…after all…we might miss
something!
Speaking of Christmas, I
remember one year when Paula and
I were 6 and 4 years old, we
were convinced that we were
going to watch Santa put the
presents under the tree! We
decided to pull the sofa away
from the wall on one end and
hide behind it. Of course we
didn’t realize that moms just
know these things and you would
come out to find the sofa
halfway into the room with the
two of us sound asleep.
Naturally we scurried up to our
room when we were informed that
Santa had probably already
visited but left because we were
trying to catch him!
I remember you being so tired
and weak at the end and looking
so sad. You would have to sit in a
chair to starch and iron Daddy’s
white shirts. But you never gave
up. You would have to lie down
in the afternoons and I would
lay with you, as you would try
to explain to me that you would
be going to live with Jesus and
wanted us to all know you would
be watching over us always.
(Visit “My
Bluebird.”)
And watch over me, you do! You
have even visited me on more
than one occasion! The first was
when I was still a small girl in
the second or third grade. I
woke up and you were standing
near my bed just watching me.
You were wearing white flowing
robes. I couldn’t see your
face…I never can…but I know in
my heart it was you. When we
were going through fertility
treatments, I begged you for a
sign that I was doing the right
thing. Sure enough, minutes
later your voice called out my
name from the upstairs. I was
home alone with Jeremy. He was
only 2 years old. You said my
name so plainly that I walked
upstairs to check on him, but he
just lay there snoring. And many
of the times that I was
pregnant, before I would find
out officially from the doctor,
I would wake up from a deep
sleep hearing the Brahms
Lullaby. I knew you were giving
me the news.
I don’t dream of you often…I
wish I did…but when I do it’s
very memorable! The first time
was when I was a teenager. In
the dream, I knew you had died,
but you came back to life to
spend an afternoon with me. We
were sitting at a table drinking
tea! I’ve often said I would
gladly trade a decade of my life
if you could really do that! You
came to me again in a dream when
I was pregnant with Jeremy.
Bruce can verify this one. I
didn’t wake up, but I remember
it vividly. You were standing
off in the distance. Once again
I couldn’t see your face, but
just like when you came to me
when I was a small girl, you
didn’t say anything…just watched
me. I kept calling to you, but
you just stood there watching
until you finally faded away and
I laid down and went back to
sleep.
But not being in my dreams
doesn’t mean you aren’t in my
heart and soul. It’s a rare day
when I don’t think about you. I
hope I’ve made you proud of me.
I know I’ve disappointed you at
times, but if you were here to
celebrate your birthday with me
this year, I’d be sure you
understood that whatever days I
have left, they will be spent
living up to your memory! I look
forward to the day when we will
meet again and we can sit down
and have a cup of tea!
©
Lisa Cudd
04.27.04
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